Trust

So here's the thing- I know I over-analyze most things. I know that not every conversation, not every situation, is worth the time and effort I spend on it. I know that everybody except me has long forgotten that time I said the wrong thing, or embarrassed myself. I know I need to quiet the inner voice that is constantly picking up on signals and reactions, because yes, people like me just fine and they aren't going to care if I say the wrong thing once in a while. I know I need to let go and just live a little.

It's all about finding a balance. The fact that I analyze makes me the person that I am. I wouldn't be writing blog posts if I didn't think it was important to spend time analyzing things and trying to find order in the chaos. I pick up on signals and reactions because I care about people, and that's a good thing. It's a good thing to be conscientious, caring, and considerate of other people's feelings.

But it's okay to have a conversation and let it just be that- a conversation. Words spoken but not analyzed to the point where there's nothing left. It's okay to dance and laugh and not worry about taking a wrong turn or two. Nobody else cares as much as I do. So I need to let go a little, and that's what I'm going to try to do.
Okay, before I go any further let's get this straight, this might never be something I'm good at. I'm never going to be spontaneous or easy going. I'm a little intense. I'm a little bit of a perfectionist. I analyze and I care. A lot.

However, I am going to try and go with the flow a little more easily. It's not about changing any of the things that make me the person I am. It's about trust. I'm want to trust that God is going to bring me through this. I don't need to hold on so tightly, grasping at control, when really, there's not a whole lot I can control. I can't control the people I love. They're going to make their own mistakes and that's okay. If they get hurt on the way I can be there to comfort and hold them tight, but I'm not going to protect them by trying to solve everything. I can't control the people that drive me crazy. I can't change the way they perceive things, I can't change their actions. I can only change the way I react, and the question I need to ask myself is do I really want to let this bother me to the point where it's taking all my joy? No. It's not something I can control, so I need to let go.

At the beginning of the summer there was a lot of school drama that was bothering me. I was over-analyzing small details and grumbling about all the things that were driving me crazy. I was worried about a future I couldn't control and I was scared as I looked towards a new school year looming in the future. That's when I found out about Ethan. Now, I've been wanting to write a blog post devoted to him for a while now, but I've been struggling to find the words. For a while I only told two people about my baby brother, as if I were protecting him by not talking about it. But I need to talk about it. I need people to know about him. I need people to pray for him, and for us. We have him right now, and he's beautiful.

I was so happy when I found out that my mom was expecting another baby. The day she told me I was sitting in one of the computer labs at school, there was a class going on in the lab next to me but I completely forgot and started squealing I was so happy. One of the boys sitting in the class pulled up the blind and made a face at me, which made me laugh harder. I knew right away that I was hoping for another brother- and he was. Ethan.

Ethan was diagnosed with hypo plastic left heart syndrome shortly before I came home from school for the summer. My parents waited to tell me till I was through finals and they could tell me in person. This means two to three heart surgeries. How can I leave when I know that my Mom will be in the hospital for a month with my baby brother? How can I leave him when I know that my brother will be lying in one of those little hospital beds, everyone carefully monitoring his little heart? I want to be there. I want to be in the waiting room if I can't get any closer.

Suddenly all those things I was trying to control and worrying about at school didn't seem to matter so much. They weren't something worth my worry, but they were an occasion of trust. I let go of a lot of those worries. I stopped thinking about it, and what do you know? God took care of it. It's almost humorous. I had a conversation with Ally at the beginning of the summer, and there were some problems that I rambled about, the topic of those same problems has cropped up a couple times now that we're reaching the end of the summer and in a sudden and dramatic change of events- PLOT TWIST. I'm not going to even use specifics, but lets just say it's ironic and humorous the way things work out. I think that's with a reason. Like, hint hint what is this saying about trust Emily? Let go of your control issues. It's going to work out. God is looking out for you, and He is looking out for Ethan.

So even though it's hard leaving now, I know it's something I have to do. It's a sacrifice that I can offer up for Ethan. My prayers are going to be just as important from school, where I can go to daily Mass and frequent adoration and in that place offer up my prayers for my brother. This is going to be even more of a sacrifice because I'm going to have to let go of that attempt at control. I couldn't control it even if I were here, in the waiting room, but it would feel like I was in more control than at school. But I'm going to let go of that. I can't control this but I can pray and I can trust. Even if I only have Ethan for a short while he has been such a blessing in my life and I'm so thankful for him. I love him and I'm praying we have many more days together, but I'm going to be thankful for every moment we've had.

Please keep this in your prayers.